Nothing Here

You think the stories are true,

The gospels are right?

Open thy eyes, there is nothing here,

Not a god in sight.

You think all men are good,

There’s beauty all around?

See the world, there is nothing here,

Jackals and jackasses abound.

You think love is the answer,

We only need to have more faith?

Look around, there is nothing here,

Only decay and death.

You think miracles happen,

The good you do comes back?

Welcome to reality, there is nothing here,

Either you conform or you crack.

You think people care,

You can walk the path you choose?

See the truth, there is nothing here,

You never win, you only lose.

You think I am a lost soul,

This is another crazed banter,

I can’t be talking of you,

Maybe I’m just off the rocker?

One day you will be alone,

Amidst hidden wounds and empty hearts

One day you will break,

Amidst grey skies and crushed butterflies

One day you will give up trying,

Amidst stale hours and putrid words

One day you will know,

This is life, there is nothing here.

Can you Forgive

This is perhaps one of the few posts I will make, in which I myself do not have complete faith. Everyone tells me I get hurt very easily. Guess I do. And the worst part is, sometimes I'm not really good at hiding it, either. We hurt people, people hurt us. Who is right? Is there a right? Who decides? I don't have answers. Maybe I don't need those answers either. But one question which I do need an answer to, is "Can I forgive?" Or rather, "Do I forgive?" Again, I don't know. I try. But do I really truly do it? If I do, why does it still hurt, every single time?

I had lost this poem in the passage of the years, it came back at a moment when I was really feeling antsy. The last line goes "We’ll all find peace if we forgive." But then, peace has never been one of my strong points. And "I forgive you" sounds so condescending. I wonder if it so, in reality. I'll try anyway. Forgive me too?

Forgive 

                                     -Danielle Rosenblatt

Forgive the sun who did not shine

The sky had asked her in to dine

Forgive the stars that heard your wish

The moon prepared their favourite dish

Forgive the rain for its attack

The clouds have tears they could not hold back

Don’t hate the birds because they are free

Don’t envy all the things they see

Don’t block the wind, but hear its cry

Or else that wind may pass you by

Forgive the storm it means no harm

Could not resist to, show its charm

Forgive the earth that never turns

Don’t hate the sun, because too much burns

Life intends to cause no pain

The flowers bloom from all the rain

The storm will come and it will pass

The sun that shines, it grows the grass

The wind it cannot help but cry

The stars at night light up the sky

Forgive the world in which we live

We’ll all find peace if we forgive.

Life,Blues, and Some Answers

I had been struggling since a few days to make sense of it all. People killing themselves, choices and consequences, acceptance (or rather the lack of it), and of course, human folly. In short, the usual drivel. I got caught in a Mobius loop of it all. I talked it over with a friend, and a few home truths came out.

Truth one. I am scared. I am scared every day of my life. If it goes bad, I’m scared it will go worse. If it goes good, I’m scared it will go bad. I’m scared I will not be able to cope. That I’m not good enough. That one of these days, I’ll snap.  

Truth two. I am confused. I revel in grey. I don’t put things in black and white. I wrote before of hating “straightlines and twisted logic”. I probably wear glasses to see things blurred, not to see them clear (this is metaphorically speaking, not literally!).

Truth three. I am never going to be ‘normal’, in the most ‘normal’ use of the world. I am always going to be a bit of a loner. I will always have trouble finding people who are like me (and consequently, like me. As in, ‘like’ the verb.). I may never get what I want of life.

All of which leads to Truth four. Ta-da! (Well, ok.).
When I say I am scared of snapping, I know that I will definitely snap. One day, but it’s not today. It’s never today.

When I say I am not good enough, I know it’s true. It also could have been worse. I am lucky to not be homophobic, or xenophobic, or bacillophobic. Or even a sociopath, for that matter.(Oh wait. I am probably that partially. Just kidding.).

When I say I revel in grey, I know it’s something I will struggle with for years to come. It also means I have a sharper perception of all other colours too. Specially those in people.

When I say I am not normal, I know it makes it tougher for me to survive. That doesn’t stop me from  knowing that I can. Not matter what, no matter how, I will see it through.

When I say I may not get what I want, I know that it is pretty much true, too (never mind what the birthday and new year wishes say). But I will always have what I need. Always.

I mentioned once before that I feel like a fraud with my words. Because they are just words, nothing more. But I still cling on to them, because, perhaps, they let me be who I am. And in my own poor, stupid way, I am an all right person (at least kinda).

And if the whole thing read too oxymoronic, it is probably because that’s exactly what it is. That’s why they call it life. Otherwise they would have called it three-cheese-and-pepperoni pizza. (I know you grinned at that.)