Rock 'n Rolla - Day 1

I started something new.
I started roller skating.
I am happy.
Maybe someday, I'll tell you why. For now, think of it as a freak of the mind of a freak.

Here's how day 1 went.

  

Buckling up











And a little bit of help....lots of tugging, and tightening and knotting.

                                               Skates?  --> Check

                                               "Gear"?  --> Check

                                               Courage? --> WAIT!

             


   
<-----------------------

 Check out the elbow &  knee guards

Less scarier than I expected it to be! I'm standing!

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OOOOKKKKAAAYYYY.....I think I might be able to do without support right now. But hang around, catch me if I fall, ok? Hey! Where are you going?

<------------------------


Out in the corridor...I sincerely hope everyone is sleeping.








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DAY ONE: Completed successfully!!!

1. Laced up skates

2. Stood up

3. Moved

4. Took small steps

5. Took little bigger steps

6. Skated slowly in open corridor about 200m

7. Number of falls: ZERO

8. YAHOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

                                                           
More to come. I'll keep you folks updated. Cheerios!

Monsters in the Head

I got some bad news.

I let go of some dreams.

I rejudged and rearranged a whole lot of things in my life.

I lost a hero.

I've been through all this before.

The losses, the depression following the losses, the cuts and bruises, the panic.

The trying-to-copes.

It was always bad.

There was also something else.

A sense of...well...exhilaration.

Strange word to use here, I know. But it was there. Fighting the darkness, going under, coming back, fighting again.

It was almost fun, in a way.

Not anymore.

Now it's just fear and ebbing strength and more fear.

Fear of surviving.

Not the other way round.

Fear of surviving, and be left a living wreck, to look back upon all this.

Maybe it doesn't make sense.

Nothing has, for quiet some time, to be frank.

Whispering that everything will be all right.

Knowing it won't be.

I once had a talk with a friend.

About our favourite phrase “There's always a choice”.

About how quickly choices go out of the window once things go wrong.

We were too naive to draw conclusions then, but we know better now.

The choice is never whether or not you get shit. That is never an option.

The choice is only there for whether you pass the hurt on.

And whatever you choose, it's gonna hurt you either way.

Bring's me to my other favourite phrase “You shouldn't take life to seriously, you'll never get out alive anyway.”

What They Say of Me

They say I'm brave. They do not see I'm terrified.

They say I'm impertinent. They do not see that a world inherited by the meek is not worth the trouble.

They say I laugh too much. They do not see that life is not for the grim.

They say I'm loud. They do not see that my silence has no place for them.

They say I'm smart. They do not see that it's exactly what makes me stupid.

They say I'm unsympathetic. They do not see how hollow a "I understand" sounds to someone in pain.

They say I'm wishful. They do not see that stops me from making wishes.


They say I'm childish to begin sentences with "One day in the future...". They do not see how every second feels like borrowed time.

They say I hate everyone. They do not see that includes me too.


They say I'm weird. They do not see it protects me against mundane normalcy.

They say I'm alive. They do not see that I had wanted not to be.

They say I don't believe in miracles. They do not see I'm living one. Just like each one of them.

I Never Knew- II

 
I never knew...

How dreams can flutter,

Like fairy lights

Draped over ancient trees.







As part of the "I never knew" series. Each one a small spark of emotion, a moment suspended in space. First one is here.

Photo:http://s1.favim.com/orig/11/blossom-fairy-lights-madamelulu-tree-Favim.com-178046.jpg

Life,Blues, and Some Answers

I had been struggling since a few days to make sense of it all. People killing themselves, choices and consequences, acceptance (or rather the lack of it), and of course, human folly. In short, the usual drivel. I got caught in a Mobius loop of it all. I talked it over with a friend, and a few home truths came out.

Truth one. I am scared. I am scared every day of my life. If it goes bad, I’m scared it will go worse. If it goes good, I’m scared it will go bad. I’m scared I will not be able to cope. That I’m not good enough. That one of these days, I’ll snap.  

Truth two. I am confused. I revel in grey. I don’t put things in black and white. I wrote before of hating “straightlines and twisted logic”. I probably wear glasses to see things blurred, not to see them clear (this is metaphorically speaking, not literally!).

Truth three. I am never going to be ‘normal’, in the most ‘normal’ use of the world. I am always going to be a bit of a loner. I will always have trouble finding people who are like me (and consequently, like me. As in, ‘like’ the verb.). I may never get what I want of life.

All of which leads to Truth four. Ta-da! (Well, ok.).
When I say I am scared of snapping, I know that I will definitely snap. One day, but it’s not today. It’s never today.

When I say I am not good enough, I know it’s true. It also could have been worse. I am lucky to not be homophobic, or xenophobic, or bacillophobic. Or even a sociopath, for that matter.(Oh wait. I am probably that partially. Just kidding.).

When I say I revel in grey, I know it’s something I will struggle with for years to come. It also means I have a sharper perception of all other colours too. Specially those in people.

When I say I am not normal, I know it makes it tougher for me to survive. That doesn’t stop me from  knowing that I can. Not matter what, no matter how, I will see it through.

When I say I may not get what I want, I know that it is pretty much true, too (never mind what the birthday and new year wishes say). But I will always have what I need. Always.

I mentioned once before that I feel like a fraud with my words. Because they are just words, nothing more. But I still cling on to them, because, perhaps, they let me be who I am. And in my own poor, stupid way, I am an all right person (at least kinda).

And if the whole thing read too oxymoronic, it is probably because that’s exactly what it is. That’s why they call it life. Otherwise they would have called it three-cheese-and-pepperoni pizza. (I know you grinned at that.) 

Click-a-roo II

Joy. Unbridled.

A small celebration

"The more you celebrate life, the more there is in life to celebrate."

And today, you celebrate.

Dance in the rain and sing in the shower. Skip stones and chase squirrels.

Play hopscotch on the pavement. Turn somersaults on the bed.

Get flowers. For yourself. For your best friend. For the girl in the flat above yours.

Smile at a stranger on the road. Say thank you to the cab driver.

Laugh at yourself. Never repeat mistakes. There are too many new ones to be made anyway.

Treat yourself to the double sundae that your diet does not allow. Buy the candy you haven’t had since 6^th grade. Try out the new Korean food shack at the street corner five blocks away.

The guy at work you find cute? Tell him. The weekend holiday you wanted to take? Get the tickets.

Feed the pigeons in the park. Adopt a stray. 

Dream. Don't just smile, grin. Ear to ear. Fall in love all over again.

Remember you can die a thousand times, but you live only once. And for one day, live to the fullest. One day, when you are not scared to make a fool of yourself, because no matter what other’s say, you are having fun. One day, where you keep aside the darkness and the hurt and pain and simply be happy.

You can go back to "normal" tomorrow. Or perhaps never again.

Let it be today. Today, that you celebrate yourself.

Celebrate that you are a limited-edition, one and only version of you. Celebrate that you are alive.

In this celebration called life, join in. Today.