Monday, 15 April 2013

Arguments of a Suicidal Mind : Me vs. Me

It feels as if I am broaching a taboo topic. After all, I was the "tough guy". The one who never needs help. The who talks other people out of (or into, depends) stupid stuff.

But I'm doing this because it feels necessary. I have been suicidal and/or depressed, on and off for the last one and a half months. I've hurt myself. I've "researched" more ways to hurt myself. A confession, if you want to put it that way. If I was writing literature, this is the point where I say "it felt good to get it off my chest". Right now, frankly, I don't care how it feels. Maybe more accurately, I've been running from myself for so long, I don't know how it feels.

(Literature does come back to me. There is this difference between the grief of youth and that of old age: youth's burden is lightened by as much of it as another shares; old age may give and give, but the sorrow remains the same.Maybe I've just grown old.

So I'll try to be as brutal as possible here. I have grown up thinking killing oneself is a abominable cowardly thing. I still believe so, and if, in case, I do end up doing it, I want mine to be seen as such too.

When I say I'm suicidal, I guess that means I want to kill myself. That would be both true and false.

Why do I want to die in the first place?
I hate myself. It's a dislike born of many years of (maybe unnecessary) self-analysis. 
I feel a burden to people around me. Terribly low self confidence. So low, it doesn't qualify as confidence any more, low or otherwise. 
I tell myself nobody cares. That I don't care either.
I kind of think I have run out of choices to take in my life. Some things have ruled out the options I had kept for myself. (That of course has been a major factor lately)
I am tempted to "start-over". A clean slate. One where I'm a bit less stupid, a bit more stronger.
And why again, do I not want to die?
Because it's the same self-analysis that tells me that at least some of that hate is misdirected.
I know I'm useful. Maybe not always. But sometimes, yes. And when I believe those who say I'm a burden, to be fair I have to believe those who say I'm not, too.
If nobody cared, then I would have been gone long back. People do care. And I do too. Maybe too much, sometimes. 
I am here because I did not know what the future held. Same applies now too.

I find telling myself that "I want to live" more often than I say "I want to die".
I want to live. I want to live so badly. I want to be happy. To be normal. To be a little less afraid. To love myself a little bit more. To have a few doubts less. To stop wanting to hurt myself. To take it one day at a time, gladly. 
I want to see what the future holds. I know I can. And no matter what happens, I still am happy with what I do have.
I am strong. I have held on for so long. I've gone through the worst. 

Now if only I could convince myself of it.

Maybe I could just live for my poems and stories.

And miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.


  1. " I have grown up thinking killing oneself is a abominable cowardly thing. I still believe so, and if, in case, I do end up doing it, I want mine to be seen as such too."

    I disagree. Sometimes it's just ending what you don't like. Like many other things in life. Live well, live happily for the best part of your life if you have to.. What's the point in living if every second of it, or let me say, most of it is miserable?

  2. Because often it is us who choose how miserable we are. There are always people with harder battles and cheerfull-er hearts. The world cannot do us half the damage that we do can do to ourselves.

  3. Personally I think, not all of us are able to face & cope when such situation arises, some of us are strong will and some are just not, each of us have our own capability and ability to go thru and of course our own methods of resolving it. What may be a mistake for you, might not be a mistake to another person. Then again, alot of factors involved, like childhood background, culture, society, etc it depends whether a person is willing to go beyond one-self...I believe support from family & friends & also society does have a positive impact when a person truly needs a emotional help, a small gesture does goes a long way, which is often being taken granted these days...Rupsa, I truly hope you do find your true life solution in time to come.....Once again for me, coincidence ur blog recites to my own life here....I feel we just need to give the chance to yourself first....I wish to share a quote here "Be The Person Who Allows The Ugliness Of Another Person To Rise Without Judgement".....

  4. You and I, we need to talk. Give me a time and website and I'll try to make it.

  5. Mine was the first comment. And I get all those people who say "you can do anything", "your life is what you make it", but some people are just the way they are, some lives just ARE in deep bad luck. Change is not always possible, luck is not always battle-able against. I just mean, from experience, almost every kind of people exist in this world. And for some, ending themselves might just be the right choice. Not always, but you can't deny the can never deny a possibility.

    1. I too agreed as per said above now.

  6. "We always get what we want from life, just not in the order we want it."
    Maybe it's true, maybe it isn't. I'm trying to believe.
    Stay strong for me? Please?

    1. I wish I knew who you are. But that is inconsequential. Yes, I AM trying. Trying very hard, trust me. I too want to believe in what you say. But you see, after years of wanting just to have a normal life, sometimes it does get a trifle, how do i say, disappointing, you know.

  7. Btw, I am NOT suggesting that you commit suicide.. I just placed forward a point of view..
    (The first comment was mine.. And this is a little inconvenient to type everytime. So just call me Mr. XYZ now on to make it simpler.)

    1. Of course Sir :) I'm glad you take time to comment and have a discussion, many don't, you see. And this IS something I want to talk about and see all the various view points.

    2. We must chat online sometime then. 'coz this is also something I wanna talk about and see what people think, and I'm kinda more keen on knowing what people like you think..most of the world otherwise does not interest me much.. And no need to call me 'Sir', Rupsa, you can just call me....XYZ. :)


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