Life,Blues, and Some Answers

I had been struggling since a few days to make sense of it all. People killing themselves, choices and consequences, acceptance (or rather the lack of it), and of course, human folly. In short, the usual drivel. I got caught in a Mobius loop of it all. I talked it over with a friend, and a few home truths came out.

Truth one. I am scared. I am scared every day of my life. If it goes bad, I’m scared it will go worse. If it goes good, I’m scared it will go bad. I’m scared I will not be able to cope. That I’m not good enough. That one of these days, I’ll snap.  

Truth two. I am confused. I revel in grey. I don’t put things in black and white. I wrote before of hating “straightlines and twisted logic”. I probably wear glasses to see things blurred, not to see them clear (this is metaphorically speaking, not literally!).

Truth three. I am never going to be ‘normal’, in the most ‘normal’ use of the world. I am always going to be a bit of a loner. I will always have trouble finding people who are like me (and consequently, like me. As in, ‘like’ the verb.). I may never get what I want of life.

All of which leads to Truth four. Ta-da! (Well, ok.).
When I say I am scared of snapping, I know that I will definitely snap. One day, but it’s not today. It’s never today.

When I say I am not good enough, I know it’s true. It also could have been worse. I am lucky to not be homophobic, or xenophobic, or bacillophobic. Or even a sociopath, for that matter.(Oh wait. I am probably that partially. Just kidding.).

When I say I revel in grey, I know it’s something I will struggle with for years to come. It also means I have a sharper perception of all other colours too. Specially those in people.

When I say I am not normal, I know it makes it tougher for me to survive. That doesn’t stop me from  knowing that I can. Not matter what, no matter how, I will see it through.

When I say I may not get what I want, I know that it is pretty much true, too (never mind what the birthday and new year wishes say). But I will always have what I need. Always.

I mentioned once before that I feel like a fraud with my words. Because they are just words, nothing more. But I still cling on to them, because, perhaps, they let me be who I am. And in my own poor, stupid way, I am an all right person (at least kinda).

And if the whole thing read too oxymoronic, it is probably because that’s exactly what it is. That’s why they call it life. Otherwise they would have called it three-cheese-and-pepperoni pizza. (I know you grinned at that.) 

Forbidden Fruit

This was written on a moment of inspiration. Inspiration that is partly literature, partly certain story people whom I know, partly lonely-night-blues And a lot of other things. Unrequited love is tough. Tougher is perhaps when you cannot even speak about it. And I don't even want to go into the cases where destiny has other plans in mind. (But I am totally against people being hailed as Romeos when they kill themselves when a relation gets over.Relations do get over.And you learn to live with it.Period.) As usual with me and poems, its extremely bad poetry, but I do hope some of the emotions manage to come through.

Forbidden fruit
Nectar divine
Love of mine
But only silently can I cry.

Forbidden fruit
I’d sell my soul
And take a nibble
If only the price wasn’t so high.

Forbidden fruit
Choices and decisions.
Actions and consequences
But what do you judge by?

Forbidden fruit
Never enough
Not even close
Judgement of man, hard to defy.

Forbidden fruit
What’s the use?
I know I will lose.
Why did the songs of love lie?

Forbidden fruit
Ever in mind
Never to be mine
Still no one to hear me sigh.

Forbidden fruit

The ecstasy of pain
Like moths to the flame
But I am too young to die.

Forbidden fruit
You will never know
Perhaps neither will I
Forbidden fruit.

[photo courtesy:http://blog.vipulsetia.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/Broken_Heart.jpg]

Purple Clouds

I look out of my window and see the dawn breaking behind the purple clouds over the distant hills and I realize that this pen of mine will not run for ever. There is so much I have yet to say, so much I have yet to put to words, and so little time.

A lifetime seems too small to write and say all that I need to. There are questions I have to ask, answers that I need to give, stories that I need to share.

There are a hundred little things that I want to show you. Dragonflies dancing in the rain, the rainbow across the valley, seagulls  flying across the early evening moon. And the purple clouds over the distant hills.

There is so much I want to write about. Love, friendship, good times, smiles. You.

There are things I hope to share with you. John Denver songs, heartbreaks, coffee on a rainy afternoon, laughter. And the purple clouds over the hills.

There is so much I want to tell you. The secrets of this world, and of the worlds beyond that.  That a wise man summed up life in three words, “It goes on”.
That the world works in ways you and I know nothing of. That it is better that way.
That some people come into your lives, and you are never, never the same again. That everybody has a story, if only we are willing to listen.
That the world is not always kind to dreamers. That all dogs do go to heaven.
That you can die a thousand times over, but you live only once.

There are so many answers I need to find. Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why are somethings best left unsaid? Why does the world follow straight lines and twisted logic? Why is it, that sometimes, you can give all and more, and still lose?

There is so much I want to do with you. Jump puddles, pillow fight, taste the rain. Stargaze, cry, ride into the sunset.

There is so much I want to leave in your care, when I am not there tomorrow.
The laughter of children. The faith in people, no matter what. The love for freedom.
The strength to do good. The first spring leaves.
The belief that all of us, no matter how small, can make the world a better place. The power to say truthfully, “I’m happy”.
The world, ‘cause “With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world”.
My words, for all that I may never have time to share with you. And the purple clouds over the distant hills.

[photo courtesy:feed231.photobucket.com]