It’s not that I have never been in doubt before. I have doubted myself, I have doubted the people around me, I have doubted God. I have doubted the world, and its people, and their actions. I have doubted the purpose of existence. I have doubted everything until all seemed to curl up like the dot beneath the question mark. I have lived with doubt long enough to lose my dread of it. Doubt doesn’t scare me anymore. At least not much, anyway.
Anger doesn’t scare me either. I have been so angry that I could have killed those around me. . I have been angry enough to get into fights. I have felt angry enough to destroy the world. Or perhaps destroy myself. But I know my anger doesn’t last long. One flash, and then gone. I can forgive my enemies, even if I don’t forget them. I am not afraid of anger.
I haven’t been much scared in the time I have been around. I have taken on things with a juvenile audacity, and sometimes naivety. Que Sera Sera have always tided me through.
But I am scared now. Not because of doubt, or anger or sadness or any of those things. But rather of the lack of the aforesaid. I am almost not angry anymore. I accept more than I doubt. And most of all, I am afraid that I am not crazy any more. I am not mad at the world or at myself.
They said this would be the best. That when you stop bothering, you will be safe. But that is not me. To be safe, to be calm. That is not me. I want to cry, to rage about. I want to question. I want to go down fighting. Good or bad, I still want to care. I want to dream. I want to tear down the walls that enclose. I want to break the lines that conform.
I can take the punishment of seeing my dreams being broken, a hundred times over. I can take the challenge of starting over, every single time. I can take the ridicule of my peers and admonishment of my elders. I can take the burden of fighting a lost war to stand up for what I believe in. But I cannot take this darkness. I cannot take this tiredness, this hopelessness, that threatens to overwhelm me. I cannot take this calm.
Because as long as I am angry, or doubtful, or cynical, or hurting, I know I will make it through. And right now, I am scared. That I might not.